Who am I? My Story - The Dark Days
In many of my blogs I talk about my own personal experience of addiction, and yet I haven’t really spoken specifically about it, maybe snippets here and there. So thought it is well overdue for me to tell you about my experience. Looking back on it now, I say it was an unfortunate and fortunate time. Fortunate? Well, I wouldn’t be able to support people the way I do without it.
The Dark Days
I started working in hospitality from around 15 and worked my way up to management by 19 so was doing ok. I suppose I was a heavy drinker for many years from being a teenager. I would usually go home after work most nights and drink. I could not leave anything in the wine bottle or until all the cans were drunk. On nights out I was the party animal that never knew when to stop drinking there was no off switch, it was the same with the drugs. The concept of just going out for a few did not exist. I would be the one that would be staggering and falling all over the place on nights out, I can remember ending up under a table at a family wedding or it was a running joke that my friend would have to hold me by my belt. I never classed myself as an alcoholic though.
Around aged 30 I was introduced to drugs, the usual clubbing ones. Before that, I wasn’t so much anti-drugs, I just didn’t see the attraction. My confidence went through roof on drugs, and I could remember the night and they were much more fun. When I was 32 (2006) I was diagnosed with HIV. Up until that point, things were just about ok. 'Functioning'. After the diagnosis it all changed, I started to isolate, the drinking increased, the drugs increased more and more and the different types of drugs.
Falling deeper into a pit of self-pity, as well as
self-destruction, using on my own. With just one look at me or within a few words on the phone people knew I was on something. I think it was around 2012 that I started to inject. It wasn’t heroin or crack, even I knew that if I went near those, I would be dead. I am 6’2 and weighed around 10 stone, I looked like the stereotypical addict.
The spiral downwards continued, in 2006 I bought my own house, by 2008 I was bankrupt, lost the house, lost my job. I thought I was at that ‘rock-bottom’. Little did I know that there was more to come. I moved back to my parents, the drinking and drugs continued. I managed to get some good jobs but messed them up. Work had one purpose to fund my drinking and drugs. I wrote my car off and got banned for driving under the influence. I knew within myself I had a problem, a big problem. Admitting it to myself was one thing, admitting it to others was another.
It continued to get worse in every aspect until January 2016. When the one person in my life that had not given up on me through everything, my mum, threw me out. I went upstairs took an overdose and left. The plan was to just walk until I fell over but found myself outside the hospital. That was my rock rock bottom. I took it that the universe had given me kick up the ar*e, so that was that I was done.
I have constant reminders of my addiction. I fell and hurt my head that has left me with a sleep condition due to head trauma. Due to the injecting, I have destroyed all my veins, it is embarrassing when I have to give blood. Regardless of what the degree of addiction is we do not come out of it unscathed in some way. I use mine to remind of the madness.
Throughout this, friends and family tried to help to no avail. I didn’t treat my friends very good, the way I treated the family was terrible, even in the madness I knew it, but it didn’t really register. When I look back, the shame and guilt is still there, lots of it, but I try not to dwell on it too much, not because I don’t care, but that energy is better spent on not getting back to the madness. When I started to get sorted, making amends, I spoke with my mum and apologised, her reply was “it’s in the past, all I want is for you to get well”. That was huge for me.
- Watch out for the next blog – The Lighter Days.
If you feel that addiction or issues around alcohol, or drugs, are impacting areas of your life and you want to explore what options are available to you, please get in touch. One thing you’ll never get from me is judgment. I simply want to support you through your journey and find solutions that work for you so book an appointment today.